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Good morning!, It's 12/31/2012 today! New Year's Eve!
Ah, the year in review. I notice I'm funny about attention span. Don't rush me into thinking about too many things at once. As long as I have time to plot down, think, act, repeat, I'm okay. But I still get so flustered when I'm called to multitask at the homefront. I still need to work on that.
On the mission to "beat cancer before it beats me." Does the mission fit? Will it continue as a guide into 2013? Perhaps I can figure that out in the next few minutes, here, on this page.
So I need to clean the fridge this morning and wrap some presents before going to Mom's for a few hours of girl time. We missed the Christmas break together, and have catch up to do.
My sister is preparing for her second child, scheduled for a week from today. Izzy will have a new little sister, Sophie. I can't imagine the change she's going thru, they are all going thru. Such a huge event.
Jim and I had a good year in 2012. Much more intentional, more movement from here to there. We have had perfect union between ourselves all this time, but we do tend to get bogged down in one spot. I think underneath it all, I am afraid of change. Afraid of over-commitment. Too many people's expectations and demands.
This doesn't exactly make much sense, because at work I am totally locked in. Every moment I am providing service, thinking of others, making things happen, on call, responding. Why this service from M-F, 8-5, but not at home?
So last year was "the year of the vegetable," and I'm thinking this year is "the year of the treadmill." I was planning on it being the year of homemade bread. Torn. Is working out as a separate activity necessary? Or can I fold in that alone time into a communal process, that benefits all? As I type, I am drawn back toward the bread. Argh..
And when I approach from another angle, from marketing my art. What is missing? Certainly I am more established now as an artist. It is no longer a question mark. I put art on the wall, and was not laughed out of the room. Some loved it, many didn't understand it, some were annoyed by it. Okay, that's a mark of something worthwhile.
I have started rolling out the other half, words, poetry. I've seen people take to it before, but this is not yet tested. I dread the thought of having my words typed on the back of a t-shirt, and standing in the grocery line. I guess I need to bite the bullet and move on with it. "Just do it", so to speak. Be okay with missteps, be accepting of the unknown good and bad, just be.
So when I was talking with Jim yesterday, I looked at his face and thought, when I'm afraid, I really need to just look at his face. Just trust that the next step will be okay, totally trust that he will be there to help. Narrow my focus of the whole entire world to that close space. Gosh, I really am a scared little girl inside.
So,... cancer? Yet another cancer skirmish has been fought this year within my family. It really is pervasive stuff.
Re-reading the above, the thing about work is that I have my cubicle. My safe spot that I return to. Much of my work is email driven, so I have that huge inventory of email history as a gravitational force. My to-do lists surround me. I feel centered.
When I'm at home, my work moves all over the house. I need to have that centered place be mobile, be me. I need to have an inner place to rest, where I feel confidant, calm, ready.
So,... cancer? What is it about cancer that we can learn from? It is a rebellion from within, growth gone bad. Too much bad, not enough good?
Recent cancer studies indicate that healthy mental health is as important as healthy eating and physical activity. Cancer is spurred by negativity, stuck-ness, hopelessness, frustration.
Cancer will eventually be solved by modern medicine. Lead researchers are already shining the light. But the solutions are bandaids. And once we rely on those bandaids, we lose an opportunity to reflect on what we are doing wrong. Environmental terrors like global warming remain, but serve as far less personal teachers.
So cancer is just one face of many. I guess it comes back to Blaze. My maiden name is Blasdell, and I continue to think of the choice -- to be blase, humdrum, letting things pass by, or to Blaze, to steer life, pursue passion.
And if this pursuit is key, Blaze, how does that reflect on breadmaking or the treadmill? Now I'm leaning back toward the treadmill. I'm in such bad shape right now, I could win the lotto, and wouldn't have the stamina to enjoy it. Scuba diving? Ha! Work on a farm? Ha! Walk around ancient ruins, uptown streets for hours on end? Ha!
If I want these things, an easy first step is to get in shape. It's free, it's easy, it just takes time. So, there we go. "The year of treadmill" looks good. "Drawing thru a pursuit of passion" sounds better than "beating cancer before it beats me."
It's 7:20, and time to get going. Lucky me, for a fun day rather than a work day. Hurray! I hope you have a safe and happy week ahead.
Comments, Questions? Let me know what you think at firstname.lastname@example.org.
May we find our vision, learn our way, define our path, and meet our purpose.